The Bus Ride

As soon as I left office I knew I am in for a long snail speed ride home. In this city, sadly pouring rains have become a synonym of traffic jams. At times, I feel that the long lines of the motorcade are just stopping to salute the mother nature. Anyways after the ceremonious splashing of muddy water on me and followed my ritual of cribbing and shouting why god why .. why me.. I boarded the bus. I was pulled out of  reverie by a laughter of some guy who was sitting behind me. The guy ( hereafter will be called as laughter guy) was still laughing. There was an attraction in his laughter. The laughter guy was sitting with a gal (as per my assumption she must be a close friend).

The gal: So when is later?

The laughter guy: You cannot force me to retrospect. I should get that feeling from within but ask me what do you wanna know?

The gal:  Hmmm.. Is your believe in God shaken?

The laughter guy: Nope, My believes are strong. They cannot be shaken this easily. I am against the prevailing idea of God so as per your definition, I am still an atheist. By the way, do u think all the troubles in my life is intentionally created by god to force me to join the devotee gang and proves his point. I can assure you if god exists he surely above all this saas bahu drama inspired plots.

The gal: What do you mean by prevailing idea?

The laughter guy: Yeah .. I should have been more specific.. I do not agree with your idea of God (laughed again) ...paused I think of god of as a very good book. Books can only give us direction and clues. They cannot do more than that. We have to help ourselves. We have to pull ourselves up.

The gal: You are becoming philosophical 
l

The laughter guy: You asked for it ..

The gal: Acha tell me if  you are an atheist, then why did you say you have faith?

The laughter guy: Cannot I have faith on myself or may be it is a wrong choice of word . hmmm I said I have faith but what I meant was that I have faith in my hard work and my conduct. Well, I am not saying that I never felt low or anxious, but I realized that  this is faith is the only thing that can pull me up. I have to trust my struggle and that is the only way out. As they say nothing worth having come easy.

The gal: What is the biggest lesson that you have learnt ?

The laughter guy: Hmmm.. so many lessons .. so many times I felt that all these things that are happening to me are breaking some shackles with in me and strangely making me more receptive for life. This whole phase has definitely bursted the little bubble that I was staying in and brought  me closer to life, and my other lessons are already well articulated by others ..  I felt I have realized things that I already knew/read/heard.

The gal: Do you think life will get better for you?

The Laughter guy: As if the It has any other option.

The bus stopped with a jerk at the last stop. I got up thinking that I will see the face of the laughter guy but he was lost in the deluge of people alighting the bus.

Reflection and etc.

“Please mumma, out of all the people you should understand. He wants me to be a different person altogether” saying this she stormed out of the room. Siddhartha smiled and teased me saying that her anger has come from my side of family and left the room. Staring out of the window, I was lost in the memories. It looks like a different era when my parents started talking about my marriage, soon after my graduation. I was least worried about all this, thinking that it might take years before they could find the right guy. I was busy enjoying life.

It did not take long for my parents to find Siddhartha. He was perfect in every sense. He was well-educated and was working with a reputed firm. His family was nice and well settled. Our first meeting was great. Siddhartha and I liked each other. I was in total awe of him. He was knowledgeable, funny and very calm. I got married just a week before my 22nd birthday. I left everything behind and started our life together. My transformation was like that of a drop of water, which changed its color when touched by a painting brush. His friends became my friends. His hobbies became my interests. His schedule became my routine. Our home became my whole world.

Siddhartha is everything I could ask for. He loves me and takes care of me. He is my guide, he is  my friend. In our perfect life, I have successfully donned so many roles, but I could not recall the time when I was just me. Maybe I never knew myself. Maybe I was his before I could be mine.

Untitled

A little gal was sitting in her balcony, looking out, observing the busy evening street. There was a group of college students who were going to almost all the houses in her street. The little gal was waiting in anticipation and ready to run to the door, as soon as she would see them coming up to her home.

The group skipped her house and went to her neighbor's. The gal started crying, her mother came out and after listening to her plight, she smiled and asked the group, why did they skip their house? A guy replied that they are campaigning for college's student union election and since nobody in their house attended the college, they skipped. In order to pacify the little gal, the guy joked that they would come to her house when the gal would start the college. The gal smiled. She knew that growing up is inevitable, and she was secretly waiting for that moment.

I don't understand that if there could be a loud announcement of premonition for King Kansa’s death, if the prophecy that Harry Potter will kill Lord Voldemort could me made known to Albus Dumbledore why did not somebody warn the little gal that she is wishing an evil, she is wishing an irreversible change? If the ministry of premonition, foreboding and prophecy under the governance of god had been upright and honest, there would have been a sudden thunderbolt. Every single light bulb would have flickered. There would have been an announcement though meant only for her but still would have been made in a loud volume rather than a noiseless whisper telling her things which she will learn hard way anyways like ….

“Oh! Little gal, A time will come when you will be categorized as adults and by that time, you will learn how to limit your dreams. By that time, the reality of life will overshadow your imagination. By that time, you will know how to curb your desires.

By that time, you will understand that utopia is just another word in the dictionary and Neverland  has Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet starring in it. By that time, you will start to realize that the beautiful world in which you now live, is not so beautiful.

At that time, there will be things which your heart will refuse to understand but sadly your mind will understand. At that time, a fight will be a fight. At that time, you cannot break up and make up the next day.

At that time, the freedom that you now hoping to get will not be there, on the other hand you will feel that you are shackled. At that time, you will be busy chasing something big, and you will miss the little pleasures of life.

And at that time, Oh! My little gal you will wish to become a kid once again.”

Where The Mind is Without Fear

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high;
Where knowledge is free;
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls;
Where words come out from the depth of truth;
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection;
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the dreary desert sand of dead habit;
Where the mind is led forward by Thee to ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my father, let my country awake.

-Rabindranath Tagore

Prayers

One cannot ignore god especially if you are an Indian. In India, every day of the week is dedicated to some god. Celebrations start only after offering the prayers to god be it festivals or marriage or house warming ceremony. We pray and then party.

The existence of god and the job profile of god are hardly ever questioned. Children are raised to believe in god. Thanks to the millions of gods and goddesses, the grandparents never run out of stories. As a child, I always loved mythological stories, but only after reading harry potter I realized that my liking for them was because of the magic and miracles and very little because of the gods.

I am not an atheist. I never questioned the existence of god, but I definitely had doubts about the purpose of prayers. My previous experiences had taught me that not every doubt should be raised to the parents. There are things which one has to figure out himself/herself and hence began my quest.

I was certain that in absence of any logical explanation I will eventually lose my belief in god, but thank god that did not happen on the other hand it became even stronger.

After dabbling with religious text I changed my course of action. My subjects now are the people, I observed in temples. I don’t have any spiritual guru but I do pose questions to my grandmother who very patiently answers all of them.

The perception of the god differs among people, some consider god as a friend, and some consider him as administrator, someone to be feared of. Some consider him as role model and try to lead a life like him. My perception differs depending upon the situation I am in.

The general notion is that the god is omniscient so there is no scope of pretense left. The idea that god knows purity of every thought, truth in each pleads is what I think makes the communication so easy. As a friend, we tend to share even the deepest secret with him. As a disciple, we seek solution from him.

The mere illusion of a true companion (in the form of god) is what according to me reduces the problem to half. The last hope, that the god has the power to straighten even the most tangled and twisted problem is what fills the eyes with tears during prayers. The most important of all the reason, why places of worship are always filled people is faith, and trust me faith is more contagious than any flu virus. It spreads like a forest fire.

Faith is belief. It is on faith we bank, when we take risk. I know a lady who has seen lots of hardship in life and she has immense faith on god. Whenever I speak to her, she tells that god is with me and everything will be okay. Her voice has so much conviction that I have to agree.

The feeling of not being alone, the desire of light in the darkest time and the confidence, are not that all what we looking for?

Gestures

Lakshmi akka, VIT mess, Vellore, 2002-2005
She would stand out in the crowd of people who used to work for VIT mess, not because of her physical appearance but because one could not miss her twinkling eyes, warm face and the big smile with which she used to greet us. Her enthusiasm used to force us to greet her back with the same big smile even on the crappiest day.
Language barrier which I faced there certainly did not exist for her, and she always managed to communicate to us either by gestures or by her limited English vocabulary or Telugu (her mother tongue).
She would sense that the exams were approaching and would wish us luck before the exams. She would nod her head in agreement and in sympathy when we used to fuss about the delay in the night tea or complained about the food.
She took care of us in her own way, whether it was making crispy dosas or secretly keeping boiled potato for us.

Akka, Sri Rathnagiriswarar Kovil, Besant Nagar, Chennai, 2006-2008
I don’t remember her face. All that I can recall about her is the place where she used to sit outside the temple, her faded plastic box in which she used to keep her coins.
I was a frequent visitor to the temple and except one or two occasions, I had always found her sitting at the same spot either accompanied by her husband or by an old lady.
The other things that I remember about her are the monosyllabic talks we used to have every day and her generosity which I observed over time. Once she saw me tensed and disturbed. She refused to take the money that she used to take for guarding the foot wears outside the temple and told me that I can give her the money later when I am feeling better. She was trying to help by letting go of those 50 paise.

2 ladies, fruit counter, Food connection, NTU Singapore
Because of my dieting mania, I became a regular customer of the counter.  My interaction with these two ladies was limited to the customary thanks.
Once I happened to miss my juice shopping. When I went to buy juice the next day, they asked me why did not I came yesterday, and whether I am feeling ok in their broken English. I was surprised to know that they even noticed my absence because I never saw that counter free, and I would not have certainly missed them if they were absent.


These four people did not have the best jobs in the world but that did not stop them to show generosity.
They did not hold a college degree, but they understood that  language is just a  mere tool for communication and that communication in the real sense means conveying of emotions that both the people can feel rather the words that both can understand.
They had their own problems but that did not mar their goodness. It did not prevent them to pass a smile to others and talk to them at least for a min.
I am just an outsider to their lives, but I believe that these people chose to make the best out of whatever  they have instead of crying over what they cannot have.

They have taught to me so much and somehow helped me to feel better in my bad days. I am writing this article because I don’t want their memories to fade away and also as a way of showing my gratitude to them.

Just another girl's story

In a time not so long ago, in a kingdom not so far, there lived a girl. The girl like many came here to fulfill her ambitions. The girl like many works five days a week. She like many spent her weekend relaxing, reading, shopping and running errands. The girl like many was walking on the same street of life, school->university-> work. The girl like many was living in a small house that she had taken on rent and like many, she also called it home.

It was a pleasant morning of Saturday. The girl opened her eyes, peeped outside her window and noticed the brightness. She knew without looking at the timepiece that it was past her normal waking time. Slowly slowly she came to her senses and noticed the surroundings; everything was exactly the same as it was 8 hours before. She was not expecting any change overnight.

Still in bed, she tried to plan her day out, but it did not take her long to realize that her heart and mind were not in sync, she gave up planning.

She was uneasy. She was feeling this uneasiness from last few days. The uneasiness was not physical. She was hale and healthy but it  was much deeper as if her soul was uneasy. More than this feeling what troubling her was the reason behind the feelings. She knew that everything in her life was going as it was supposed to go. All her near and dear ones were fine. She was unable to think of anything that was wrong in her life.

She decided not to think about this, but she knew that if she remained at home, her mind would wander back to the same thing. She decided that after her midday meal, she would go to the market street near her house for shopping, and if she is not tired, she would go for cinema followed by dinner. She was happy. She knew she would finally be able to escape from those dreadful feelings.

There was nothing unusual about the market street. It was crowded as usual. The place was full of emotions; children were throwing tantrums to get a new toy or a sugar candy. Friends were talking, sharing their stories, few Lovers were waiting, and few were lost in each other.  Among all this, the girl was feeling angry over some unknown reason. She took the flight of stairs and reached the shop. Shopping helped her to keep her anger at the bay. She was feeling normal again. She reached the bill counter; the long queue was not a surprise for her. She was waiting patiently until her eyes fell on a young couple. She guessed from their shopping cart that they are setting up new home. Their cart was full with house hold stuff. The anger conquered the normalcy again. All the patience gone, the girl found herself cribbing against the crowd. She tried to divert her thoughts by thinking about the movie she was going to watch. She decided against all the happy movies and settled to watch a movie whose story dealt with a break up between lovers. She was sure that people would avoid watching this movie, and she would finally be able to find some isolation in this crowd.

The movie was a disaster. The story was bad and the theater was full. While walking to the restaurant, she was trying to figure out why did the families and lovers came for a break up movie.  She was also trying to comprehend her behavior, her feelings. She thought maybe she was turning into a misanthrope.

She chose a restaurant which was least crowded and asked for a place for one. The ambience of the restaurant helped her to curb her anger. She was unconsciously humming with the music that was being played there. She paid attention to the song and smiled. The restaurant was playing Elvis Presley’s are you lonesome tonight.  A tear drooped from her eye; suddenly, everything was falling into place. She solved the puzzle of her mixed feelings, her out of sync heart and mind, the uneasiness, her anger.

She (like many) was lonely.